Carrying on
by fen-san
Summary: Hatori's just lost Kana. Shigure, Ayame and the rest of his friends try to help him through his grief as he can no longer see a purpose in his life.


Disclaimer - The characters and concept of Fruits Basket are the creation of Natsuki Takaya. I own the first 7 volumes of the manga and the anime on DVD, This is a not-for-profit story.

Uphill

A lot of people underestimated Ayame, not bothering to look beyond his loud and dazzling public persona. Those people would be shocked to see the hyperactive snake sat quietly at the table sewing together the two halves of a furisode sleeve as Hatori lay on the sofa, face buried in a cushion.

Aya looked up and noticed Shigure looking at him, despite his silence energy seemed to crackle through every purposeful movement as Ayame worked. 'It's for Ri-chan's birthday. Ri-chan deserves nice things.' He explained softly, determination threading through his quiet tones. The young monkey was in high-school and was coping better than Shigure had expected, even spending the occasional weekend helping Ayame in his shop when the older cousin was inundated with orders. He had a precise, tidy sewing style that the perfectionist Ayame had actually deemed good enough for his masterworks.

'He does.' Shigure agreed equally gently as he looked down at their grieving Hatori.

Shigure's stomach rumbled and he had to give a soft laugh. No matter how Hatori felt, bare hours after erasing Kana's memory, life did go on. Aya looked up from his sewing again. 'Aa, I'm getting hungry too.' Despite his slender stature Ayame always had a healthy appetite, burning off the calories with

his endless fidgeting.

'You go find one of the staff and get them to bring some trays of food through, something light for Haa-san. I'll try and get him upright.' They both grinned and gave each other the customary thumbs-up. Aya left promptly, clearly grateful to be away from the oppressive atmosphere for a while. Shigure was relieved that his softer-hearted relative wasn't going to be around for the battle he and Hatori were likely to have.

'Wakey wakey Haa-san! Time to rise and shine!' Shigure shook his friend's shoulder, adopting an inappropriately cheerful tone of voice and ignoring the weak swat Hatori aimed in the vague direction of his head. It was a grumpy gesture rather than a real slap - they had all been trained by Shihan after all.

'Don't want to.' Was Hatori's exhausted-sounding reply. Removing memories was enervating at the best of times and the other zodiac member probably had a dreadful migraine, Shigure recalled. Shigure ignored his protests and instead manhandled him into a vaguely upright position as Hatori grumbled curses under his breath.

'Look at who I bumped into on the way back!' Ayame chirped, cheerful but less over the top than was his norm. 'Come on in Ri-chan!'

Ritsu looked very nervous about this, but Ayame had obviously coached him on the way over as he bit down on the automatic apology that bubbled its way to his lips and instead bowed with an unnatural grace that few people saw thanks to his manically apologetic behaviour. 'Hello Shigure-nii-san. Hatori-nii-san. I brought some dango my mother made.'

'Ah, Ri-chan's mother is so kind!' Shigure grinned, letting Ayame switch places with him on the sofa, holding Hatori upright. 'Should we spirit her away on a glorious adventure, keeping her at the heart of our beautiful love that she may make dango only for us?'

Ritsu looked terrified at the turn the conversation had taken and his anxiety managed to penetrate Hatori's depression. 'Shigure stop speaking nonsense.' He turned his face towards Ritsu, head still swathed in white bandages. 'Ignore his idiocy Ritsu-kun and sit down.' Ritsu obeyed, sitting on the other side of Hatori. He managed a watery smile for his suffering cousin and bit his tongue against the fresh wave of apologies he desperately wanted to shout out to the rooftops for being such a failure and such a nuisance to his relative who was already so unhappy. Hatori merely sagged sideways to rest against Ritsu's shoulder, his breathing hitching, then levelling back out. Ritsu froze, staying perfectly still so that he did not cause the family doctor more inconvenience than he already had.

He'd been stupid to think that he could ignore the curse - to strive for love and happiness. Those things didn't happen to zodiac members. He didn't deserve them and now he'd erased the memories of Kana he truly understood Yuki's tears, understood the fear that lurked in the eyes of some of the other zodiac members and families who knew the secret. Yuki always looked up at him with a horror-filled look in his eyes as if even years later he expected Hatori to rip his friends from him again. He couldn't understand why Momiji didn't hate him too - he'd taken on the role of father-figure gladly, easing some of the rabbit's heartache despite the belief that the child would surely hate him. Momiji didn't though, and seven years down the line his innocent endured. It was far more than he deserved.

Ritsu shifted slightly so that Hatori's head rested more comfortably against his shoulder and leant his own head atop Hatori's. His large, luminous eyes were bright with a melancholy that harmonised with his grieving relative's pain. The contact seemed to soothe Hatori a little, it was easier for him to handle than Shigure's usual façade.

'How is Hatori, my dog?' Akito asked, drawling their subject's name out with sickening glee.

'He hurts, Akito-sama.' Shigure replied simply, not varnishing the truth. He didn't show how badly that hurt him.

'Has he learnt his lesson?' Their god was interested to hear Shigure's opinion - Hatori still attended upon Akito every morning as was his custom, but he was colder than ever before - as hard to read as a stone statue. He was no fun right now.

Shigure tilted his head back to look up at the ceiling, remembering the battle they'd had that morning to get breakfast inside him. He seemed intent on starving himself to death as if he wasn't suffering enough already and needed a bit more punishment. 'I think so.'

'Good. It wounds me that while I die for you miserable beasts you think you can abandon me. You ingrates!' Akito's false calm shattered and he sprang to his feet violently as he began to rave about the zodiac members' disloyalty. Shigure prostrated himself at Akito's feet until the fit passed and he was able to help the younger Sohma back to bed.

Shigure went for a walk around the house grounds before he returned to Hatori, whom Aya had badgered into sitting on the porch outside his house. In a small, spiteful rebellion Hatori had snatched up Shigure's packet of cigarettes and was smoking instead of enjoying the fresh air. He didn't want to stay alive any more, but he knew suicide would never be permitted. Maybe he could work himself into the grave - karoshi was less obvious than overt suicide.

Shigure picked up the packet of cigarettes and shook one out himself, stealing back his lighter to spark up. He sat, dangling his legs over the edge of the wooden platform like a bored child and produced a wonky smoke-ring. Hatori's was better, but then he'd been sat there a while judging from the fact most of the pack of cigarettes had gone.

'You had a Hell of a time quitting last time, Haa-san.' Shigure remarked idly.

'Mm.' Hatori hummed an apathetic agreement - he'd quit in his second year of medical school. It had been Hellish, the fact that he hadn't murdered anyone had been a testament to his self-control. This time he had no intention of quitting.

'Ah Gure-san! Tonight we shall share the same breath!'

'Aya, we shall be as one.' Shigure replied easily, fixing his cousin with a sensual stare before they both broke into grins.

'I must away to Mine-san and my dedicated customers who are surely pining for me!' Ayame announced dramatically, a purple fan appearing in his hand to punctuate his speech. Shigure nodded. Life went on after all and they all had to carry on making a living.

After a while Hatori hauled himself to his feet, joints clicking as he did and padded back inside. Shigure didn't follow him, staying put instead in the knowledge that following Hatori wasn't necessary. In fact he reckoned the doctor needed a couple of hours to himself, so instead he went next door to visit Momiji. The little rabbit had been missing his Ha'ri terribly and while Shigure couldn't reassure him completely it did cheer him up a bit. It was a nice break for Shigure too, getting away from the melancholic atmosphere hanging over Hatori's place.

Ayame waved off his final customer of the day and sighed happily. It was nice being back in his little shop with Mine and the beautiful dreams they created together. He smiled softly at Mine, who smiled sadly back. She had always been very sensitive to his real moods rather than taking his over the top manner at face value as so many did. She stayed a little later than usual to help him cut the pieces for their latest orders, the pair working in amicable silence that soothed Ayame's frazzled nerves.

Hatori looked like shit in Shigure's opinion as he emerged from the bathroom, clipping his shoulder on the doorframe on his newly blind side. Hatori grunted a token protest to the event and revised his course, heading towards the kitchen with a heavy tread. Hatori was a better cook than Shigure, although the breakfast they ate in silence was bland and lacking in seasoning it was at least neither on fire nor burnt. Shigure was gathering his thoughts when Hatori's painfully empty voice broke into his thoughts.

'You should go home and work on your latest novel. Your editor is likely to be at the end of her tether by now.' He glanced at Shigure over the edge of his teacup, face deadpan. 'She's more likely to kill herself than I am.'

It had been barely two weeks after he'd been wounded, less than a week since he'd removed Kana's memories of him. Pain still hung around Hatori like a fog and his visible eye was horrifyingly empty at that moment. Hatori was testing him. Shigure grinned a trickster's smile, eyes drifting shut into a façade of utter insincerity. 'Haa-san is so thoughtful towards me.' Then he opened his eyes, face blanking into a painful mockery of Hatori's own expression. 'You're right, but you're not going to get rid of me. So don't try anything stupid.'

Hatori nodded, then gathered the dirty dishes, dumping them in the sink before he went to attend upon Akito. Numbness drew around him as he picked up his case. Was this what life was going to be like from here on in?

The next day Ayame needed advice on whether the baby blue and mint green or the apricot and leaf green would work better for a sexy vet costume. He'd blithely ignored Hatori's nonplussed reaction to his monologue on the pros and cons of both designs and ordered the maids to bring in a full dinner for them to debate the important issue over.

A few days later Shigure dropped by wanting his friend's advice on whether key passages from 'Sakura Scented Regret' evoked the right blend of regret and wistfulness. They didn't, according to Hatori, but Shigure had bounced off with nary a reaction to his comment. He left a packet of cigarettes behind though, so Hatori didn't mind too much.

Momiji wanted help with his biology homework the next thurday and Hatori made them both a cup of tea while the child pored over one of Hatori's old textbooks open at the chapter on cell division. When he left, homework completed Momiji had lunged into Hatori's arms and given him a fierce hug before trotting off to his own residence.

Ritsu had visited him the weekend after. Oddly enough Ritsu turned out to be the most soothing visitor of the fortnight. They'd put the radio on and Ritsu had mostly worked in silence on his homework reading while Hatori had sorted through the filing system. The youngster had only gone into apology overload twice, something of a record and Hatori had ordered food from the maids, making sure that the monkey-possessed boy had eaten before returning him to his mother.

Hatori hadn't had time to brood during the week after - he'd finished re-sorting the filing on Tuesday morning and Akito had fallen ill that afternoon and he was busy attending upon the Sohma god all the way through until dawn broke on Saturday morning. He barely had time to eat two bites of food at a time, let alone brood. He trudged through the inner courtyard towards his house and paused to look up at the rising sun with a vague sense of surprise. _I survived another week!_ The moment was shattered by Hatsuharu flying past him at head height and leaving a large divot where he landed hard and slid a fair way along the garden. Incuriously Hatori looked in the direction Haru had flown from to see an apologetic-looking Kagura looking back at them both. Hatsuharu sprung to his feet and adjusted his gi before trotting back towards the dojo. Hatori put the incident from his mind, continuing the journey back home, where he collapsed onto his bed and blacked out, He dreamt of Kana and awakened to find his face still wet with tears.

Ayame handed him a lace-edged handkerchief to wipe his cheeks, visibly holding his tongue as he passed the scrap of cloth over. The bright daylight told Hatori he hadn't slept nearly as long as he'd hoped to. He didn't feel remotely rested and wished he could go straight back to sleep, exhaustion weighed his whole body down, but Ayame's presence stopped him from turning over and going back to bed.

'Akito was ill this weekend, I was trying to catch up with some sleep today.' He explained, watching Aya's shoulders relax at the sensible reason for his still being in bed at two in the afternoon.

'In that case I shall have to make you a cup of my delicious, reviving tea!' He bounced off in the direction of the kitchen as Hatori groaned lowly. It would be nice if Ayame could just occasionally take a hint. On the other hand Ayame only made his tea for three people and it was truly delicious, so he might as well make the most of his membership to that exclusive group.

He dressed slowly, rummaging in his wardrobe to find one of the ridiculously many shirts Ayame had made for him since the snake had become a tailor. He rarely wore most of them, since they were more to Ayame's taste than his own, but his friend had put up with a lot from him lately. Judging from the excess of vivid purple fabric he'd lost at least a couple of kilos since the last month, he'd barely been able to stomach food over the past month though. Hatori couldn't find it within himself to care about that fact overmuch and instead rummaged in his jacket pocket for his packet of cigarettes.

He nodded his thanks as Ayame set the steaming mug down in front of him on the table and let the hyperactive snake-cursed man sit alongside him, so close their shoulders pressed against one another. Normally he would have shaken off the contact or stepped out of range, but it seemed like too much effort at the moment. Instead he just sipped his tea and tuned out Ayame's rambling anecdote.

His dazed half-doze was interrupted by Ayame grabbing his arm and pulling him to his feet - talking nineteen to the dozen as he did. He went along with it, mentally kissing goodbye to the quiet afternoon he'd hoped for. Ayame practically threw Hatori's shoes at him, while stepping into his own and all but dragged him outside.

The park was quiet, a cold breeze setting the leaves rustling, a few tumbling about their feet. As they came to a stop by the pond Hatori raised his functional eye to the grey skies above and inhaled deeply, his breath catching in his throat. Ayame's eyes seemed to match the bleakness of the skies above as he sadly met his cousin's eye. Regret once more welled up, his gorge rising in painful reaction.

'I'm sorry.' A lifetime of guilt and painful exhaustion was vocalised in those two words and Ayame could only sigh in response to his cousin's sorrow. As they carried on walking the clouds began to disperse, sunbeams breaking through the grey covering the skies. Their cheeks grew pink in the steady, cold wind so they stopped off to buy cans of coffee and cigarettes on the way back. The changeable weather dumped a brief, heavy shower on them but Hatori was too tired to run and the by the time they got back to the house wind had started to dry them off again. The beautiful Ayame-tailored shirt clung to his neglected frame as he stripped off his jacket and trousers and offered Ayame the run of his wardrobe to find something to change into so the snake didn't catch cold.

Shigure arrived to find the pair of them asleep on the sofa, for once Ayame lay completely still, a small smile playing at the edges of his mouth. Ayame was soberly dressed in a pair of Hatori's trousers and one of his many white shirts. Given that Hatori was dressed identically it was hard to tell where one man ended and the other began. The two cousins were sprawled practically on top of one another, all skinny limbs and harsh angles. Hatori had lost so much weight that his own clothes swamped him as much as they did Ayame. Hatori had one arm casually thrown across Ayame's chest and Shigure managed a painful smile before he hastened away in search of a blanket to chuck over his two dearest friends. He wasn't sure he wanted to be around when Hatori woke and realised it was Aya, not Kana in his arms. Shigure shook his head, if it wasn't for him and Ayame he couldn't see how Hatori would have coped so long without attempting suicide.

Shigure took a seat in the chair across from them and sipped at the lukewarm mug of tea one of them hadn't finished. He supposed that given how much support his and Aya's seemingly apathetic friend gave to both the zodiac members and the wider family as well as spending more time in the taxing presence of their god than any other zodiac member (besides Kureno) it was no surprise that the family drew around him in support. Not that Haa-san would notice. Shigure had only ever met one other person so convinced of his own unloveableness and that had been the cat. Sometimes Shigure looked at Hatori when the doctor thought he was unobserved and got the impression that Hatori had just been waiting for his love affair with Kana to go horribly wrong and that his only regret for himself was that Akito hadn't outright killed him. Sometimes Shigure though Hatori believed he deserved everything that had happened and that made him ache. Shigure washed the two mugs and tucked the blanket carefully around the pair of them before he tiptoed away.

Life had split into before and after Akito's refusal to give Kana and Hatori permission to wed. The two periods felt to be of equal duration in Hatori's mind. Looking out at the neatly-maintained Sohma gardens Hatori recalled the elderly men and women he'd treated after the deaths of their spouses. Some had seemed to fade away within months of their lover's deaths, following their spouse's lead into the grave while others had carried on living and enjoyed many more years with their children and grandchildren. Hatori already felt like he was dead.

He slowly spun his chair away from the desk and stood, his eye landing on the shelves of medical textbooks. A ragged sigh burst from him and he combed an exhausted hand through his hair, the sigh turning into a desperate chuckle. It had been a long time since his psyche rotation but it didn't take an expert to diagnose the burgeoning case of depression wracking him. The vacillation between numb emptiness and a sudden desperate yearning for death occasionally frightened him, or at least it did when his was capable of feeling anything much.

Outside Momiji and Hatsuharu were splashing in the puddles left behind by a rain shower. The little rabbit boy was laughing and his carefree joy coaxed the more sedate Hatsuharu into a smile. That was the only reason Hatori could muster to persuade himself to carry on living. The thought of condemning an innocent child to the life as the dragon-cursed Sohma was beyond repugnant and leaving the other zodiac members to the tender mercies of their god and without a doctor… the thought alone made him feel physically sick.

Hatori turned away from the sight of the frolicking children and headed towards the kitchen. He wasn't hungry, he hadn't been for weeks, but if he was going to protect his family as best he could them he would need to keep his strength up.

Epilogue - two years later.

Hatori stubbed his cigarette out at the sight of one of the family servants approaching. Akito was summoning him again? He'd spent all night tending to thir perpetually ill god, getting a scant pair of hours' sleep before he'd had to get up and head to the hospital to tend to Rin. Surely Akito's health had not deteriorated within the last five hours? Nonetheless he mentally kissed goodbye to the leisurely lunch he'd planned to enjoy and instead strode to Akito's rooms.

Shigure always looked slightly strange to Hatori in the smart Western suit he always wore to see Akito. The two cousins made eye-contact and nodded slightly to one another in acknowledgement. Hatori didn't always agree with the other man's schemes, but he could understand the purity of his intentions, if not his methods. Shigure's presence meant that Akito was accepting visitors, something that meant Hatori wasn't needed in his capacity as a physician. His heart sank.

'Ah my Hatori, I have a job for you. There is an outsider, Honda Tohru, living with Shigure.' Hatori frowned and vaguely recalled the name from trying to ignore Shigure's ramblings. Akito nodded. 'Yes, you understand how great a risk to out secret she is. Not only that, but she knows of the curse!' Hatori's visible eye widened slightly at the and Akito smirked.

'My dear little dragon.' He crooned lovingly. 'I want you to meet this Honda girl and assess how much of a threat she is to us.' _and me_ Hatori heard the unvoiced addendum. He meekly bowed his head and didn't even flinch when Akito placed a thin hand on his head, winding his long fingers through Hatori's hair. Hatori didn't even twitch, he was too tired and numb to react to the implied threat.

'If she poses a threat to our family then erase her memories and arrange for her to go somewhere else. I'd hate to have to take matters into my own hands.'

'Yes, Akito-sama.' Hatori replied dully. He bowed and left the room at Akito's offhanded dismissal.

He sat down on the veranda with a cup of tea and an unopened packet of cigarettes to think over the matter. He couldn't go to Shigure's house to assess the situation - Yuki and Kyo were sufficiently fond of the girl that they might do something immoderate out of protective instincts and underneath his overdramatic whining Hatori knew Shigure was finding the constant repairs to his house a drain on his finances. As Hatori continued pondering the matter he caught sight of Momiji bouncing back towards his own residence in his middle-school uniform and swinging his book-bag around exuberantly. Hatori nodded in satisfaction - his charge would be thrilled to visit the school he hoped to attend next school-year, especially during the fete,

Momiji ran on ahead while Hatori walked at a more sedate pace, having warned him to be careful and not bump into anyone. That had been… unexpected. Tohru-kun was a remarkable girl to have affected such changed in the two boys she lived with. His mouth twitched in a rusty smile. Perhaps there was some hope for the children yet


End file.
